McGregor
Ian McGregor hoisted his jug of beer and said "Here's to spending the  rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"

 That won him the top prize at the club for the best toast of the night!

 He went home and told his wife, Barbara, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."  She said, "That's nice now. . . And what was your toast this time?"  Ian said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife."    "Oh Ian, this is very nice indeed!" Barbara said.

Two days later, Barbara ran into one of  Ian's bar-buddies on the  street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " Ian won first prize the other night at the club with a toast about you, Mrs. McGregor...."

She said, "Sure, Ian told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You  know, he's only been there only twice in the last couple years. Once on Easter and he fell  asleep, and the other time, on Christmas, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." Ian's friend is still laughing....

SPAGHETTI...
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several  years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided  in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he  would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy and secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also  provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a  postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then  arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused  wife. Honey, she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it " he said. The wife complied, and watched as her husband read the card, he turned white, and fainted. On the back of the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs,  one  without."

Good thoughts
Rob, a teller at the local bank got to work on Thursday morning as usual...
While sitting at his station at the bank, a line formed... He saw a lady with a real pretty face and nice make-up applied.... he thought to himself.. I wish my wife had a face like that... later on another woman stood in line with a mini-skirt and she had real nice legs... again he thought... I wish my wife had legs and a body like that... after lunch a woman stood in another line with a nice set of tits and a low cut.. of course he thought again.. I wish my wife had a pair like that.. just before closing... a woman came in in tight jeans and a thong showing on her back side she had a nice butt... he thought... ahhh.. I wish my wife had one like that...  After closing, when he came home... His wife asked him.. so how was your day at work?? He replied:
Hot damn honey... I thought about you ALL day....

Ah, you Americans...
The underground train in London was quite crowded, so the US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
 
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" 
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one  in particular,
Americans are so rude.  My little Fifi is using that seat."
 
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am may I sit down?  I'm very tired."
 
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
 
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
 
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor!"  Put this American in his place!"
 
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."