Way to go Mrs. Brown
After drinking, Mr. Brown fell asleep on the couch for a few hours...His wife Sarah tried to wake him up but Mr. Brown did not move.. Sarah picked up the phone and called the family doctor in a state of panic.. "Doctor.. come quick.. it's my husband.. he is on the couch, I tried several times to wake him up but..."The doctor half drunk himself said.. "I'll be right there" and hang up

About twenty minutes later he shows up out of balance and walks toward the couch.. checks Mr. Brown's pulse and say with a sad face.. "this man is dead".. At that moment Mr. Brown opens his eyes lazily and say "No I am not".. Sarah, without thinking twice, slaps her husband on the head and say "You shut up! The doctor knows better!!"..

What's the rush?
A patient is seen running in the corridor of the hospital real fast.. On his way out, a nurse stops him and asks.. "Why are you running so fast?? "Well, he said.. I was scheduled for an operation this morning and the nurse said.. "Don't worry, really.. it's  a simple procedure.. it has been done hundreds of times.. Everything will be just fine.. You'll see...

So? said the nurse, that's a nice thing to say to say before an operation, she was trying to be compassionate..

Yeah he replied.. except
IT'S NOT ME SHE WAS SAYING THAT TO,
SHE WAS TALKING TO THE DOCTOR.

Jewish Women
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
   A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
    A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
    A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
    A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"  The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
     A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Bulldog and a Jewish mother?
      A: Eventually, the bulldog lets go.

14. Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

15. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
      A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

Here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all these conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Chinese drink no red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

IN CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink whatever you like as much as you like... 
Apparently speaking English is what's going to kill you..

Judaism in a "nut-shell"?
In an effort to overcome the  continuing criticism that he is unsupportive and in fact dismissive of  Israel, one of America's closest allies, today  President Bush announced  that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that this will demonstrate his affinity and empathy with the Israeli people.

CNN reported that the authorities have been unable to handle the millions of applicants who requested to volunteered to perform the circumcision...

And what a great wife she'll make some day...
A teacher asked the kids in her class: "What do really you want out of life?

A little girl named Cindy in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out life is four little animals, just like my Mommy always says...    

The teacher asked, "Oh, really? And what four little animals would they be?" 

The little girl replied: "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all that."  Cindy is still in detention....

THE SECRET TO A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montigo Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple."

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."