The Computer Era
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him,
my elbow hurts terribly.? I guess I had better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replied.
There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.... heck of a lot
cheaper than a doctor!"

So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to the
drugstore. When he deposited his ten dollars, the computer lit up and
asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into a funnel and
waited.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the
mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer printed out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2  Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3  Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4  Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5  Your Volvo needs rings.
6  And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
    better.
                                                           -Sent by Annie

Football FINALLY makes sense
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how did she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!
Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25
cents!!!!

A Little Blue Pill
Grandpa and grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.

Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could
have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one they're very strong
and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know -- but I want to try one. How much are they?"

His son said, "They're $10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but he said he was going to the bank and
would leave $10 under his son's pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said "Dad, I
told you it was only $10 -- there's $110 under my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's okay, -- the other $100 is from Grandma!"

Book Report
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill
Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the
proposition that they were nearly identical stories.
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:        $29.99
Clinton:        $29.99

Titanic:     Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:    Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:     The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,  and
subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton:     The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:         Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:         Bill is a bulls**t artist.

Titanic:     In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:     Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:     During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:     Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:     Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:     Let's not go there.

Titanic:     Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:     Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:     Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:     Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:     Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:     Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:     Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:     Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
(Sent by Susan Cohen)