Sheep...

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
(sent by Annie)
 

The usual...
(to all the guys that are the king of the castle until the wife comes home...)

Charlie comes the the neighborhood bar and asks the bartender for a "stiff one".... So what's new say the bartender asks... Well I had another fight with the little lady said Charlie... And how did this one end? Ask the bartender... Well, when it was over she came to me on her hands and knees he replied..
Oh?? That's a switch...   said the bartender.. And what did she have to say?

She said: You get out from under that bed you little chicken-shit...

Yes, but...
Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."

THE WIFE FROM HELL?  

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." 

As the officer is writing out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

 The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

 As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

 The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

 So as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU  JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" To that she replied...

 "Well Officer, Only when he's been drinking."
  Sent by Danny